Tripping in, and back out of the Pit

In 2018 I started my year as I have for the last few years, with my Passion Planner, a pencil, a timer, and my dreams.

We went to Florida in February last year, and I took some of that week to focus my ideas and plans, and worked with my amazingly tech-savvy hubs to set up this website, getting ready to log my goals, and try to help whomever I could along the way.

Shortly after, that entire process came to a full stop, and I did NOTHING. For MONTHS.

I had applied to participate in a charity boxing event that there was reason to believe I would be a shoe-in for. Even fully expecting to be accepted I can honestly say I do not remember being so nervous about filling out an application for anything IN MY LIFE. I was terrified.

And then one morning I got a message from my coach informing me that against ALL we thought we had going for me… I didn’t get in.

Combat sports are funny – not just anyone can play and fight with anyone. There’s age and weight and height and all sorts of physical things to determine outside of your desire and/or ability to participate.

…and they had no one they could match me with.

It was communicated to me that the powers that be weren’t “comfortable asking anyone to lose more than 15 lbs” to participate.

What I heard? You’re too fat, you fat, lazy sack of crap. It’s your fault. You did this to yourself. No one wants you.

I THINK my reaction via text to Coach was okay. I THINK I said something awesome like, well, just more reason to focus and lose the weight for next year! No big deal!!

And then I turned to my poor hubs and I sobbed.

It didn’t matter that what I thought was SO errant. It didn’t matter what he said to try to make me feel better. My TRUTH in that moment was I am too fat, it’s my fault for being lazy that makes me too fat, and I am worthless.

From that it was just a spiral downhill the rest of the year.

I’ve never been conscious that I’m an emotional eater, per sae, I’ve just always been an all the time eater. I eat when I’m PMSing, I eat to reward my workouts. I eat as a CHALLENGE, so the more food I can pack away the more a success I am. Food feels good and so you eat and eat and eat until you literally cannot eat anymore and your belly HURRRRRTS.

*shaking head* This is not ‘normal’ behaviour.

I think I made a weak attempt to up my workouts after the rejection last year, but as luck would have it I got saddled with a wicked cold and I let that completely derail me. But I was eating SO much, it didn’t really matter if I was working out or not – My weight jumped 10lbs in the first month.

Then I was challenged to run a that damn half marathon hahaha. So I started training. Ish. I hate running. But I figured the weight would correct itself with the extra running. Buuuut I kept eating. And I kept gaining.

By the time we actually ran the half on my birthday (yup) in September I had gained 20lbs. I literally, with no tripping or any “reason”, fell flat on my face at 14kms, cutting up my knee and ripping a hole in my pants. I barely shuffled through the last 7km. I would NOT have made it without my running buddy by my side.

I went shopping with my mom for my birthday – I needed jeans!! I knew I had been struggling a bit with food and my weight was definitely up, but I wasn’t ready to admit it yet, or deal with it. So I bought jeans that were JUST a tidge too small because if I stop stuffing my face this week I won’t be so bloated and they’ll be fine.

By Hallowe’en I couldn’t even do them up anymore.

I was finally moving in the right direction again sometime through December, but self-loathing is a nasty bugger and took the reins fully over the Christmas holidays. Any of the weight I had started slowly peeling back off returned with another few pounds just to really hammer home that I am a completely failed waste of space. I weighed myself when the holiday season was OFFICIALLY over on Jan 7th and I had gained a solid 25 lbs since vowing to “lose all the weight” that made me ineligible to box all those months ago.

I was SO FAR DOWN in that pit.

It’s hard reviewing my monthly reflections from last year in my planner, as each month I’ve written how I just did NOT get it done. Sometimes I was successfully going through the motions, but none of the times was I a fully functioning ME.

When Coach told me I was competing in March if I wanted I didn’t have the guts to argue with him. I think I must have suggested it a bad idea, and questioned if this was feasible, but I didn’t actually try to get out of it. I just wrote it in my new planner when I got it and got going.

Then…something happened. Being focused on training, everything else was able to fall into place. It’s been CRAZY. I EASILY lost ALL of last year’s weight gain – I weigh LESS now than I was when I applied for the boxing event. I am NOT eating crazy things in crazy amounts. I am currently on vacation and I haven’t had desire for a single solitary “splurge” food. Not one. I am having tremendous fun building a business, networking with new people, making new friends, pursuing my passions.

I cannot believe how far OUT of the pit the entire experience has led me.

I have zero intentions of ever going back.

Sadly, my illness isn’t QUITE that simple – there will absolutely be more dark days coming – but for right now, I might be at the topmost I’ve ever been, and I am NOT falling down without putting up a hell of a fight.

I know life sucks sometimes. I know sometimes the stuff that sucks is just that it’s hard and you hurt and your head is attacking you. I KNOW getting up and getting dressed and getting out of the house is HARD.

But you know what? I can do bloody hard things, and I can do them really, really well. And do you know what else?

SO CAN YOU.