I’ve started writing this post a few times now, with all the lead up of how it happened, how my brain got to where it did… but honestly, I think that part of it is for another post.
6 days ago I did something absolutely insane. And it was probably the greatest thing I’ve ever done for myself in my life.
All week I’ve watched pictures roll in, seen my teammates and coaches’ posts. I’ve posted a few things myself. I’m pretty sure I’ve hit the absolute highest and LOWEST emotional points I’ve ever experienced in the last week.
What a ride.
Maybe one day I’ll tell you everything about it. But for now let me just tell you this:
I started the year with a goal to compete because the timing was such that it worked out. March competition date. January goal.
I didn’t even set a goal to WIN – I felt like that was too far outside of my control. SHE would have the same goal, to come out of the ring victorious. I needed to be realistic with myself and set myself up for success, not failure.
So I set the goal to compete.
I got my paperwork together, got cleared by my doctor, got my photo done, found the money to pay for it all, and handed all my registration pieces to my coach.
And I trained. A LOT. Not like an olympian a lot, but like a mid-30s mom with a job and responsibilities a lot. Like, a LOT.
And I changed how I was eating. Because I couldn’t train every second of the day I needed every edge I could get. So to get some fat off AND build muscle was a very good idea.
And then, suddenly, the date came. It was March. Training was over. My bag was packed full of my equipment. Time to go.
My nerves were all over the place. I had two unflappable coaches who were ready to keep me in check when I started spiralling. I had a friend on standby with amazingly bad dad-jokes to make me laugh instead of freak out (brilliantly executed, by the way, sir!) I had my family with me. I had my TEAM.
Ohmigosh, my TEAM. You guys. YOU. ALL. CAME. 😍
I KNOW you weren’t there for ME specifically – there were 8 of us competing. And I know I messaged you all already, but you HAVE to know how incredibly important it was for me that you were there. Every single friendly face that walked in that door caaaallmmed me a little more and a little more and a little more, until I suddenly wasn’t nervous, I WAS HAVING FUN.
Thank you. A million times.
There were two fights between me and that big crazy belt. One on Saturday, and one Sunday. I was focused on Saturday.
I HAD to win. I had to. Losing wasn’t even an option. I was terrified I wouldn’t win because, I HAD to. I knew losing would destroy me and I had worked too hard at building myself to let it crumble away in a loss.
I got warmed up. Got jittery. Coach didn’t even flinch at my anxiety. He just talked like I wasn’t even scared, like it wasn’t an issue, like I had done this a thousand times and of course I was going to win because I was ready. I knew what to do, now I just had to go do it. I couldn’t be nervous because there was nothing to be nervous about.
Guys, I could hear you. ALL of you. When I walked into the ring and you all cheered I was grinning. I wanted you to know so I put my hand up, and you cheered louder hahahaha It made me laugh, which was good. Laughing keeps my crazy at bay.
And then the fight started. And she was HUGE. And she hit me WAAAY harder than I was ready for. And I panicked. But just for a second.
Because then I fought back. And I fought back hard.
Besides NEEDING to win I had one goal in that fight. She was bigger than me so we knew she was going to throw body kicks. So I HAD to catch a kick, and throw her on the ground. I practiced and I drilled and I visualized and then FINALLY, she threw the kick I was waiting for….
😎
I didn’t even get points for it hahaha I took too many steps knocking her down. But I didn’t even care. I STILL don’t. I caught her leg, and I threw her down. GOAL: ✅ .
I had NEVER. EVER. In my LIFE experienced anything like it. I thought it would just be more sparring – I’ve done lots of sparring at this point. I know I can get hit in the face, I know I can take kicks to my giant tree-trunk legs! I’m strong!
This was… a completely different beast.
I have never dug that deep into myself. Ever.
It was incredible.
AND I WON!!!!!
The next fight I did NOT win. But I didn’t have to. Going into it was completely different. I didn’t NEED the win. Sure, I wanted it, but I had already won. I knew she wanted it, too. I knew I was sore. I knew I had already crushed all the goals I set for myself. Winning this one would just be the gravy on top, and I didn’t NEED gravy anymore.
I do not know WHAT happened to me on Saturday that changed me. Contemplating the possibility of losing something previously was crippling. But suddenly I was okay with it.
My teammates were telling me no, no! No losing! You’re going to win! And I get it, I do. Visualization, the fight goes to who wants it more, passion and heart, blah blah blah. I KNOW. And please don’t misunderstand my attitude change as a “bad” thing, that I was lacking the motivation or believed I couldn’t, or anything like that. It was a GOOD thing. I was relaxed. I was ready to go again. Win or lose, I was good to go.
Holy. My. Gosh.
PRETTY sure there was no way I could have won that second fight. She was INCREDIBLE. She lit me up!! I didn’t go down EASY, but I knew I was losing. AND IT WAS OKAY.
I didn’t need the win. I already had it. I gave EVERYTHING I had left in that second fight, I really did!! At one point I thought, huh. Pretty sure I haven’t scored any points in a while and I just ATTACKED her. hahaha But she was better than me. She was YOUNGER than me. She was taller than me. And she hit like a bloody house.
So I won the silver medal. I WON that thing. I have a silver medal from a national championship kickboxing tournament that I FREAKING EARNED LIKE A BOSS.
AND I got a this beautiful black eye, to boot so I HAVE to tell everyone, everywhere, why yes, I AM an award-winning kick-boxer, I did NOT fall down the stairs or get accidentally head-butted by my kid! I’m a freaking rockstar!! 😎💪
To my coaches, but specifically Pat. THANK YOU. A trazillion times. I never. NEVER would have done this. NEVER. There are SO many reasons for me not to have done this, not the least of which, at all, is that I never would have believed I could. Ever. Watching your face after I won Saturday, ohmigosh. I KNEW you were proud of me – I was proud of me! But seeing it so obviously from you was one of the greatest gifts I think I’ve ever gotten. I’m sorry I couldn’t win the second fight, but I bloody killed it in there regardless. This was such an incredible journey I have won over and over and over again.
Thank you for your time. Thank you for you patience. Thank you for allowing me to be crazy and let me run with my anxiety and work through it with me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
My team. There were 8 of us. It strikes me as a funny sport, you know? Where else are you going to have a team of 8 spanning from a 12-year-old boy to 36-year-old woman, and we LOVE each other. These people are my people. They are my tribe. We have sweat together. We have bled together. We have worked together. We have cheered together. We have lost together. We are Relentless, guys. I am so insanely proud of you. Of us. 3 belts, 3 silvers, and a bronze. BOOM.
My family. I. LOVE. YOUS. GUYS. Thanks for letting me be so absent and chase this craziness. Thanks for supporting me. Thanks for cheering me on. Thanks for filming hahaha Thanks for holding me up when I was crumbling. Thanks for hugging me. Thanks for having fun.
I’ve really really struggled writing this. I’m still really tired and sore. The emotional ups and downs have lasted all week long. I’m still not sleeping. But I hope I’ve been able to convey at least a tiny iota of what I mean. The entire experience was phenomenal. “Fun” isn’t the right word – getting kneed in the abdomen is EXCRUCIATING – but all of it, even the pain, all of it is attached to positive feelings. It was. AMAZING.
GOAL. CRUSHED.