Trying Jiu Jitsu

I’ve been home for about 20 minutes.

And I can’t calm DOWN. ARGH.

Okay, okay. Let’s back WAY up.

YEARS ago my hubs tried Brazilian Jiu Jitsu in some program thing that got him the gi (uniform) and whatever, and he lasted about a week – he didn’t enjoy the classes, felt like he had just been thrown to the wolves and whatever whatever. No fun. So he didn’t go anymore.

But we had the gi, so I thought, why waste it? And I went to a couple classes. And I THINK they were better with me being new in the class than they had been with my hubs, but then the Sensei was cracking inappropriate jokes while teaching me different positions and I just… I couldn’t do it. The whole experience left me feeling just awful and overly vulnerable and… blargh.

Fast forward and I’m at a new gym, different coaches, only the good teammates…and still have that stupid gi kicking around.

And one of the teammates has told me how desperately she wishes I would do jiu jitsu with her, and frankly, it LOOKS cool and super bad ass and, sure – why not give this another go? ESPECIALLY after the gym instituted a “fundamentals” class to teach basics like, you know, how not to break your neck when your partner throws you full force from standing to flat on your back….

I said I’d go tonight. And never to not be taken for my word…. I went tonight. Fully knowing this would be hard for me and my brain would be playing with me and allllll the hard things – it’s at one of my safest places on the planet, yes, but it’s with a bunch of people I don’t know, doing things I don’t know how to do, in a uniform I’m not used to, I’m PROBABLY going to be 5 minutes late because I’m driving my kids to their activities… and ohmigosh, there is nothing about this that will make this an okay experience!!

It was so much WORSE than I thought it would be.

And I think the thing that I hated the most about it was the assumption that my being obviously unsettled was because I was worried about whether or not I would be any good at it… on my first day. Because apparently I’m that person?? “Do you think you’re going to be a black belt on your first day?” Yeah. THAT is what’s going on. It’s THAT simple up in this psycho brain of mine.

I got to the gym, got the kids settled, got my gi on, couldn’t find my belt ANYWHERE… class was already starting, and I look out and they’re all…doing stuff…that I don’t know what they’re doing. And I can’t find my belt. And that doesn’t look very beginner out there, but what the heck do I know? FIND my belt – I had lent it to someone – got it on, and then… just…. now what?

Class is in session, I’m BRAND new. Panicking. Heart RACING. I just bloody need someone to tell me WHAT DO I DO? Where do I go? HELP. ME.

It was the same when I started kickboxing, years ago. I stood at the doorway to the class and just… panicked. But the instructor came, literally took my hand, and walked me to where I needed to go. Then I was okay.

Tonight I didn’t get that. I’m not complaining! I’m not saying it’s wrong I didn’t get that! I just… MAN my brain is awful sometimes. And I got nothing. Not a thing. No direction. Just me and my demons, bouncing around in my brain, speedily eating away at my being…. There was no acknowledgement of the idiot woman standing on the side DYING. Which is fine, she’s an adult, she’s good… except, so SO not good. Uuuuugh.

So I sat down. Tried to calm myself, but the anxiety just kept getting worse. I’m sure my face looked like hell because finally the girl who had insisted I join jiu jitsu came over and sat with me for a moment. I’m PRETTY sure I was a minute or two away from tears, damn anxiety. I just turned to her and said this is the WORST idea I have ever had and panicked out loud for just a moment.

But she stayed calm, and she put her arm around my shoulders, and then she TOLD ME WHAT TO DO.

Guys, I can DO hard things, I can. But when I’m overwhelmed, I just need to go to bed hahaha. But in lieu of that I need someone to tell me what to do. I’m not afraid of sucking at new things all the time, I just need to know how to do it. Tell me what to do!!

So I went and worked with these two wonderful women. On stuff I didn’t understand for what purpose I have no idea. Until they started throwing each other around, then I bowed out of that; I have no fear of being thrown, but i know there’s a proper way to fall and I have ZERO idea what it is, so…no. I can’t do that.

With about 5 minutes left in the class FINALLY my nerves started to calm a little bit. I don’t even know what we were doing, and I DEFINITELY wasn’t good at it, but I had instructions, and I was following them, and I was feeling strong. That was good. The demons hide when my strength shows up.

Then eeeeeeverybody else “rolled” and I was told not to, obviously. Can I go home now? Is this torture over? I feel small. I just want to go home. And never show my face here again. At my favourite place.

But I sat beside a safe person. I can be freaked out and just sit here. Except he didn’t let me hahaha he made me go with him off to the side and practice some of the stuff I had just “learned” in class.

And you know what? Somewhere in that last ten minutes I switched from having the WORST time on memory to actually having a little bit of fun. And I MAYBE learned one thing. MAYBE. It’s not an easy “fundamentals” thing and I could never do it in a real life scenario hahaha but MAYBE I learned it enough that next time it comes up it will be just a tidge-bit familiar, and I’ll feel a little less wait-what-where-when-who-how-why-kill-me-now-I-hate-my-life and a little more hey-I-can-do-this.

Because there is definitely going to be a next time. Because I don’t give up easy.

Only it will be during an actual fundamentals class 😉