I had a foggy day this week. Not a down-in-the-pit day, but definitely foggy. It was pulling at me.
It’s so EASY to fall into that stupid pit.
Lately I’ve been pushing, REALLY hard. I had this blog idea over a year ago and tried to get it off the ground and CRASHED, as I’ve already told you– I wanted my struggle to be worth something other than the pain, you know? I don’t know, maybe that sounds too self-important. But I know people are always surprised to find out 1) that I have mental illness and 2) HOW BAD it is! So, maybe, besides FRONTING constantly, I can help other people figure it out, too. Maybe.
That was kind of the idea. Shrug.
Then more recently I’ve had this fire lit under my butt where it’s kind of important to OTHER PEOPLE for me to actually follow through on this, and so I’ve been pushing. REALLY HARD.
But I had a really foggy day this week.
I get up in the mornings, pack lunches, prepare breakfast, BOMB my lazy lazy lazy children out of bed; we’re always RUSHING out the door to get to school after putting on coats and shoes takes an eternity, no matter how early I ask them to do it. Then I either go to work, go to kickboxing, or SOMETIMES I go bonkers and come home to feed myself breakfast! hahaha
This week I’ve been racing from school to the gym to lead the morning kickboxing class while Coach is away in Thailand learning new crazy tricks, tips, and techniques to bring home to torture us all with. So I spend an hour in the mornings with my team!
Most of whom follow me on Instagram.
Where I have been puuuuuushhiiiinnnnngggggg, because, frankly, if you want to be a blogger, people have GOT to see your stuff. Can’t blog and then HIDE it, you know? Gotta’ get it out there!!
Now, this should NOT be an embarrassing thing to a normally-functioning brain. But to MY BRAIN? Ohmigosh, this is a NIGHTMARE.
And they love me, my team. I think I know that, now?
Aaaand when the team loves you, the team picks on you. hahaha We’re that kind of dysfunctionally awesome.
It was suuuuuch a small thing. I had set the timer, given the class their drill – there was no one that needed me, no one for me to partner with, and I figured, I’ll snap a quick selfie (I. HATE. TAKING. SELFIES.) and write something about it for Instagram later today. Because we are ACTIVELY trying to grow it and engage with people and just share what I’m trying to DO over here….
….and the boys teased me for taking a selfie.
Uuuuuggggggghhhhhh.
I mean, HONESTLY. I would have chirped at me, too hahaha! I KNOW that! But I am SO self-conscious about how much I hate selfies and how embarrassing I find them and I have this GIANT idea and I don’t know how to express it, and I’m SCARED to try to explain it to people so I just kind of…don’t…talk…about…it….
Face palm.
I went through the rest of the day, but the teasing ATE at me.
I was feeling… I dunno? Vulnerable? I feel like I’ve been overusing that word in my life lately, but I think it’s accurate. I think that’s what this fog was – vulnerability. It’s new for me to be able to pinpoint the emotion hahaha! (Wait, I HAVE emotions? Whaaaat?) But I was feeling something unsettling, and then later went to do something I was excited about.
But excitement + unsettled = anxiety. At least for me.
Freaking fog.
By the time I got the kids home from school I was done. I’m exhausted from not sleeping through the night, and I had spent the ENTIRE day feeling hard things, and feeling anxious just did the rest of me in.
I went to bed.
When my hubs got home from work a couple of hours later he walked upstairs, into the bedroom, and said “How’s it going? You’re here in the dark, so not amazingly…”
“Foggy day, today.” That’s all I had to say.
He gets it. Thank GOODNESS. I think he got the kids McDonald’s? I don’t even know what people ate hahaha And eventually I dragged my butt out of bed and changed into my gym clothes, and went to kickboxing to lift the fog.
Which worked, as it ALWAYS does.
And that was that! No more fog this week.
It will be back, though; it always comes back. I let it take me over for a couple of hours this week – I needed to just let it wash over me for a bit before breaking my way back through. Which I did. I decided the things that were scaring me and making me nervous weren’t going to do the same the next day – I told myself I am confident, and I can do this, and visualized NOT dying on the inside.
And I’ve had an absolutely AMAZING week.
I’ve connected more wholly with an acquaintance I’ve had for years because I got over myself and actually TALKED to her for a change! She’s a hustler, too. I finished writing my first piece for someone outside of right here and I SMASHED it, then got offered more jobs! I’m leading a growing online group of gals looking to uplift and support one another in smashing goals and chasing dreams. I was asked to give a short presentation about the importance of fitness throughout our lives to a group of women coming up in May. And I’m still awesome at my day job hahaha.
And YESTERDAY, I started actually telling people what I’m doing. Not everyone gets it, and that’s okay! I’m a massage therapist, so for some people, that’s what I am. That’s what I will be! And maybe I will be that forever, too – I’m good at it, I like it, I love where I work! But yesterday I went from nervously admitting to people that I WANT to be a writer to GUESS WHAT, I’m a WRITER NOW!
It was very liberating.
No freaking fog here, baby. Too busy crushing goals.
It’s no one’s fault, the hard things in my head, please both understand that, and that I know it! It’s not my friends’ faults that their jest sent me into a tailspin, AT ALL. It’s 100% MY brain, MY insecurities, MY struggle. I LOVE that I am in their circle enough to be teased! Boys, do NOT stop chirping at me – I can TAKE IT! And then I’ll take you…muahaha!!
Do you struggle with foggy days, too? Do you have any tried-and-true methods to pull yourself out of it? I would love to know what you think!!
Cheers, y’all! Thanks SO much for the support, the love, and yes, especially thank you for the teasing. 😉