I am enough. Except when I’m not…

One of the problems with my brain I explained a little bit last time – I struggle severely connecting with people and want to HIDE from the world, but at the same time I am so desperate for human interaction I literally feel physical pain.

I think it makes me a bit gullible with regards to people’s intentions, honestly.

When people tell me stuff…I believe them. I’m like a freaking moron dog wandering around tail wagging, waiting for the treat.

What? Me? You want to hang out with me? Yes! Absolutely! When?! Yes! Please! When? Now? When? When? When?!?!

You want to go bowling? ME TOO! You want to go to the movies? ME TOO! You want to hang out and go eat? ME TOO! You want we should make dinner plans and visit each other’s houses? YES, ME TOO!! You want to join kickboxing and come with me? I WOULD FREAKING LOVE THAT! You want to run a mud race with me? WAHOO, I CANNOT WAIT.

…..and then it NEVER happens. Whatever it is that whomever has said they’re interested in doing. It’s just, I dunno. Lip service? Could be flat-out bold-faced lies? I know I’ve got that one before, for sure – YES we absolutely will not go out without you and post all about it on Facebook – thanks for letting us know you feel left out!! Oh wait, yeah, we did. Again.

But the rational side of me THINKS that’s not the regular. I THINK most of the time it’s just..life is freaking HARD and everyone is at least as busy as I am. I think that’s all it really is. And let’s be honest, I keep myself PRETTY dang busy, so why in the heck wouldn’t everyone else…?

The part where the demons live, though. Shudder. That part doesn’t believe its just scheduling conflicts.

Nope.

Not one bit.

The demons tell me I’m loud, obnoxious, annoying, needy, desperate, and that no one wants to be my friend.  They tell me I’m too overbearing, I talk too much, I’m too self-centred and don’t know how to turn the conversation back on the other person – I’ve read the book, I know what I’m SUPPOSED to do.

The demons tell me I’m too religious for regular people, or that I’m not religious enough for church people. They tell me that I don’t and that I never could possibly fit into any of the circles I’m trying to sneak unnoticed-but-seen into.

No wonder no one actually wants to be my friend.

My mother and I both have fall birthdays, and my sister-in-law does, too. A couple of falls ago, now, I remember how shocked I was when she, my sister-in-law, suggested the three of us do something celebratory together. I told her as much, too. Especially when we actually did the thing! I was like, whoa, wait. What is happening? People don’t do stuff with me – this is not a thing that happens.

She told me she likes me.

I don’t think I believed her.

Evidence would prove that I am unlikeable, the demons tell me. Regularly.

Still. Daily. Even on the good days.

More recently, while I’ve been on this… I don’t know, what is this? Journey of self-discovery? Man, that sounds lame. Whatever it is that’s going on with me these last few months. While I’ve been on THAT, I have been making a CONCERTED effort to fight back, to ignore the negative in my head, and to believe that I am worth loving.

It is freaking HARD.

Isn’t that crazy? My illness stops me from being able to believe I am worth anything more than scum. Shrug. There again is that rational part of me that knows it’s not even close to true, and then there’s the part I keep hidden, who sobs alongside Elphaba and the Bearded Lady.

(Yes. I love musicals. I love musicals about outcasts and underdogs. Get over it.)

Some people’s illnesses stop them from being able to walk. Mine stops me from being able to believe I am anything.

But anyway, lately I’ve been PUSHING back. Trying to force myself to actually believe “there’s nothing I’m not worthy of!” TRYING to connect with people. Trying to tell people when I need them. Trying to make plans. Trying to get out, to do stuff that I know I want to do. Trying NOT to feed the demons their fill of the negative that they love to feed on.

Some days I’m doing okay; arguably WELL, even! I was struggling the other day and told my family I needed to go do something fun, so we went out for dinner and went bowling. What a laugh that was!

And other days, the plans fall through. People lie. People don’t want me. People don’t see me. People say we’re going to do a thing and then they forget all about me.

And I am crushed all over again.

Nothing really to be done about it, honestly. It’s just the way my brain works at the moment. It’s GETTING better!! Truly. I’ve progressed LEAPS in the last couple of months.

But I still believe you when you say ‘let’s hang out.’ And it still freaking hurts A LOT when we can’t make it happen.

I’ve got an astounding amount of grit, though, so no need to worry about me; the anguish doesn’t keep me down for too long. I think I’m even getting better at sorting through the fake people and the ones who genuinely give a crap but have lives hahaha. I THINK I know who to wait for. I’ve been the one people are waiting on in the past, so maybe now it’s just my turn, and that’s all it is.

Tonight that’s what I believe, anyway. 😀