National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

It’s Eating Disorder Awareness week this week; such an important topic!!

I am very aware that an eating disorder could hit anyone, irrespective of gender. But I can only speak to my own experiences, many of which are shaped around being a girl.

To that end honestly, I would not be shocked to discover that most women my age have experienced SOME form of disordered eating – we were taught to be beautiful, not strong, and that our beauty and thinness are somehow linked not only to each other but to our worth as persons. Our mothers did every diet on the planet in pursuit of their finally being happy with themselves and their lives. We read beauty magazines and compared our pubescent bodies with the airbrush art of the professional con artists. We rejoiced over the resultant weight loss from a stomach bug tearing us to shreds. We learned that to discuss “weight issues” was improper, because fat is BAD.

When I was a freshman in nutrition class at BYU I remember reading about eating disorders and bulimia in my textbook and thinking… whoa. That sounds like me. .

And I remember being jealous that other girls had the willpower to starve themselves to the point of becoming anorexic because have you EVER seen a recovered anorexic who was “fat?” .

Then when I was finally diagnosed as eating disordered by a professional NO ONE DID ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I was 20 years old.

16 years later and still, no one has done anything about it.

I don’t even know what my options COULD have been, or what they could be now.

But I’m lucky: sometimes I’m good. My head is on straight, I’m happy; I can see beauty in my muscular legs, creation in my pregnancy stretch marks, and I’m content knowing I don’t want a six pack because, honestly, I like ice cream..

Other times my insides look like my photo above – I’m tired. I’m beaten up. I’m embarrassed about my thunder thighs. I posted a picture on Instagram yesterday and zoomed in so no one would see my enormous thighs. I wear spanx under skirts, and skip meals to make up for splurges.

When my depression takes over, and it certainly does, I eat. And I eat. And I EAT. And I hate myself with every mouthful, and yet I eat until I’m physically in pain. And the pain continues as I try to get dressed each day and my clothes don’t fit, but I’m too stubborn and too poor to purchase a “fat” wardrobe. So I hate myself more. And I eat more. And I hurt more.

My own struggle with disordered eating is pretty mild. I’m a bit chubby most of the time, and a lot down on myself because of it. But it will not be the thing that leads to my fatality. I am one of the lucky ones.

Eating disorders of all shapes and sizes ravage our society and take some of the best from us.

We need to do better.

I HOPE and I PRAY that we are doing better. That my generation of women will do better. That we are teaching our daughters to love themselves! That we are teaching them to be strong! That we are teaching them that FAT is not a bad word, FAT is not a bad thing, it’s just a thing. My daughters know that I am aware of my body, yes, and they know that I am beautiful. That my stretch marks came from making them. That my large legs are powerful. That I can gain weight and still be beautiful, and I can lose weight and still be me.

If you want to help take a stand against eating disorders this week you can do so by hopping over to www.livefreelovealways.com and grab this super comfy t-shirt. All proceeds from sales of this shirt go to local eating disorder programs, so maybe the next time someone is told she’s got an eating disorder at 20 she’ll end up having some idea of what to do to get help.

And if you can’t donate or buy a shirt, that’s okay! But find something to do. Fight the stigma. Talk about it. Help. You are a brave, resilient warrior. You can do amazing things.